I have been a single mother for six years now. Although I truly love being a mother, sometimes I feel very lonely. Watching my friends and family being able to out and do things, like: travel and going out on weekends, has been a very hard thing for me. I have spent a numerous amount of time by myself over the last six years and though it has been difficult at times, I have learned so much. I have been able to find new passions in life, that have made me grow as a person in ways that I never deemed possible. Meditation has been one of those passions that has completely changed me both mentally and spiritually. Meditation has taught me how to be solitary, and I have learned how to embrace being alone. When I am in meditation, everythingis silent, it's as if the world around me does not exist. While the world is standing still, I am at one with myself, I am able to be guided and influenced by my own thoughts. Being comfortable with solitary moments has given me the ability to see the world in a different light. I am more aware of my surroundings and people around me. I love this quote by bell hooks, I agree that knowing how to be solitary is the art of loving. Overcoming a great fear of being alone, has helped me be more comfortable in my own shoes and become more mindful of others.

Flowers

When I started to throw out the remaining flowers from my fathers funeral, I did not realize just how hard this task would be. Besides my family this was the last piece of life I had left from my father. For the last month I have been stuck in a bubble, wondering if my father's passing was real, if I was just a dream. People, places and things just looked blurry as if I was standing still in time. I wondered if I was ever going to get back to living in reality again. It's hard to go on with everyday life, when someone was in your life for 31 years. While I was throwing out the flowers it really hit me that it was real and life will continue to go on. So now I started the process of coming out of the bubble and moving forward with my life. I was able keep some flowers and make this little arraignment. Life is hard but I am glad for each trial for I get stronger and stronger with each one. One of the greatest blessings in my life is being a mother to the sweetest little girl ever. In May she graduated from preschool and will be going into kindergarten. I can not believe she is five. Kaylee came in my life at a time that I needed her the most, she changed my life and I am so grateful for her. Sometimes I have questioned some of the things I have gone through in life but I have never questioned being a parent. I love my Kaylee bug!

Life is a never ending learning experiance

So it's been three years since I have blogged. I have learned so much in the last i three years, especially this  year. Right now I need to blog as an outlet to express my thoughts and feelings that I am experiencing in this time of my life. Right now I am still attending Utah State, I will graduate with a Bachelor's in Psychology in two more semesters and after that I will see where life takes me. This last year of my life has been quite a journey. Through the tears, laughter, love, and struggles, I have learned more about life in the past twelve months than I have in the last 32 years of my life. On June 2, 2012 my father passed away with ALS commonly known as Lou Gehrig s Disease. Basically this disease damages motor neurons that controls your muscles, your muscles pretty much just waste away. I remember so clearly last summer when my father told us the news. I knew what this disease was but I was in extreme denial. My father was a UPS driver for over 20 years and a firefighter for 14, no way was this disease going to take him down. At the time my parents were divorced, but they had always remained friends. My amazing selfless mother decided to move my father back into her home to be his caregiver. I was very unsure of this in the beginning, but my mother gave me the best gift I could had ever received. My dad and I had are ups and downs while I was growing up. We both had very stubborn personalities, and often butted heads. I also learned quite a bit from my father. He was a very compassionate man and cared about others deeply. He was always doing something for others, whether it was bringing my mom home a diet coke or checking the oil in my car, he never thought twice about being in the service of others. I watched my father battle a disease that stripped him of everything, simple things like walking, getting dressed and brushing your teeth became a struggle, but my dad still got up everyday and fought to do everything he could on his own. He fought right up until the very hour that he passed away. Suddenly one day he was gone and so was the last 32 years of my life. Those 32 years seem so long, but in reality they are not so long. It's funny the little things you miss about someone. Today I miss his voice. I can look at pics and see his face, but I can't hear his voice. I can't hear I love you Anne or can I get you anything at the gas station while I am there. I learned so much from my dad in those last seven months. My dad was no longer just a dad, he was a human being who was suffering and relied on the support of those around him.

 Truth is we are all human beings, whether your a dad, a mother, a sister or brother, UPS driver, firefighter, President of the United States, a rock star, a millionaire, regardless of any label we are all in need of each other. The love and support that my family has shown each other during these last several months is incredible. I have learned to be less critical of others for I might need them to be my strength someday. We can learn so much from others if we take the time to look around and be less judgmental. I will admit had pretty bitter feelings towards my father during the last five years of my life. I think that it is easy to get caught up in the negative in life. Thanks to my mother I was able to open my mind and heart, I let my father back into my life. I have learned to focus on the positive and my father had so many amazing traits that had been placed on the back burner. I am so glad that my eyes were opened to the great person he was. I may have missed out this great learning experience if I would have kept a closed mind and heart. I also have learned that even in our darkest moments you can still get up and push forward, everyone has the strength within them.

Christmas and other stuff

Wow it's been along time since my last post. Time goes by fast. I think Facebook also took over my life. Everything is going great. Kaylee is growing so fast. Just finished another semester at Utah State. I will be applying to nursing school this spring. I will be applying here in Logan, and to a program through Weber State down in Layton. Hopefully I will get into one of those.
We had a great Christmas. It went by way to fast. I was so excited Kaylee went right up and Santa Clauses lap this year. Last year she was terrified. In face she talked his ear off, it was really cute. There is nothing like seeing your kids face when opening their presents. I felt like I was taking my tree down just as soon as I had it up. I so grateful to spend some wonderful time with my family!!! I am looking forward to a wonderful new year!!!

Why?

" Death makes a heartache no one can heal, love makes a memory no one can steal". My heart has been full of sadness for the last couple of weeks as some very good people have lost their lives. I been left wondering why. Why does someone so young have to be taken from this earth, from family, and friends. Why does such a wonderful person have to suffer through a horrible illness, and then leave behind their family and friends. I know that it is all part of the plan, but sometimes I just don't understand this plan. I have watched someone very close to me suffer for over 15 years with a very hard disease that has no end or cure. Why does that person have to suffer? I know that everything happens for a reason, but sometimes I just have to ask why?

Bear Lake Fun and other stuff

I think that the greatest thing about being a mom is that you get to do all the fun things you did as a kid. Kaylee and I went to Bear Lake this Saturday. Kaylee loves the water, I am glad because I love it to. It was very hot, I got fried, but my little beautiful Latino baby just got a tan. I am jealous of her amazing skin color. I couldn't take pics of us in the water, because I just had my camera phone, but here is Kaylee eating ice cream at this amazing pizza place. On another note I have been volunteering at Primary Children Hospital for about a month now. This has been the most amazing experience. I am truly amazed at the strength of these children, and their families. I feel truly blessed every Saturday when I get to be around these wonderful children. I am so grateful for everything that I have in my life.

This July 28th will mark the 9th year anniversary of a event that changed my life forever. Even though I have come to terms and have accepted that horrific day in my life, every summer my body relives the emotions of that day. I don't sleep very much during the months of June, July, and August. It is something I just expect to go through every summer for the rest of my life. I could ask myself why did this have to happen to me. I was 19 back then, I saw things that people would only see in horror movies., but as I can to terms with what happen I became a stronger person, it made me stronger for things that I am now having to go through in my life. I think that the Lord knows what trials we need in our lives, and sends them to us when we need them the most. I am grateful for this trial I had to go through, and I pray for those families who lost loved ones in this tragedy.

What a Shocker!!!!

Wow I was so surprised as I was watching Jon And Kate Plus 8 last night, yep I have been a fan since the beginning, anyways they are getting a divorce. Wow what a shock. I thought they had the perfect marriage with eight kids, always having their lives in the camera, and Kate's constant nagging. Really I was not that surprised, and it just reminded me that just because you have lots of money, and a million dollar home does not mean that you will have happiness. Money is not the answer to everything. Yes I am a fan of the show, but maybe they should take a look at maybe what it is doing to their family. I am sad to see this couple split up, but maybe it is for the better.